Since I became a mother, I realize more and more how much I think about time. It seems like yesterday that I gave birth to my Emilia Claire and yet she is already 14 weeks old. Everyday she does something different. Her once very slim body is a little chunkier every day. Her smile is now predictable, but it’s still the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I am so amazed by how much I love her. When I think about time, I become overwhelmed. I never have enough of it and it always flashes by. Today, though, I want to look at Emilia Claire and say, “I held you instead.”
Emilia, I held you instead of putting the dishes away because after all we have plenty of dishes in this house. We will always have enough cups to drink water from or enough forks to eat our dinner with.
I held you instead of putting away the freshly folded clean clothes. I hate that they are spread across my couch and it looks messy, but I rather spend my time being close to you.
I sat on the edge of the bed and began to cry because I feel so overwhelmed with my thoughts and the shear panic of all of the chores that I have to do, but I rather be holding you. So I held you instead.
It is so hard being a mother. You are always torn between what you want to do and what you feel you should be doing. I am my own worst enemy. I put pressures on myself to have a perfectly clean house, dinner on the table, to look a certain way everyday because after all I still want my husband to be attracted to me. Truth is there will come a day when my daughter is no longer a baby and she will be getting ready for prom. There will be a day when she rather spend time with her friends instead of her mother. She will meet the man of her dreams and begin building her own family.
So for now, I think I will just hold my baby girl. I’m going to hold her close to my heart and pray that she feels the love I have for her. I’m going to breathe her in and absorb her pleasant baby smell. I’m probably going to cry because I never knew I could love something so much. And while I am doing all of these things, I’m going to talk to God and thank Him for my little, miracle child.
For all of you mothers reading this, please stop. Please hold your baby instead.