Time is so slow when you are waiting yet so fast when you are scared. 3 months had passed and Derek’s appointment was getting closer for his second semen analysis. On one hand, I was ready to know and on the other I was terrified. I was tired of watching the calendar, popping pills, and smelling like a mixed array of perfumes (essential oils). I was tired of wondering how Derek and I were going to be able to financially move forward with trying to have a family via adoption, surgery, and IVF. I couldn’t plan for our future because I had no clue what our future would be (not good for a control freak). It felt like Derek and I were drifting apart which terrified me, but in reality I think we were both just so stressed and worried.
My family always takes a trip to Seagrove, Florida every September. I get to spend a week long with my parents, siblings and their spouses, and, of course, my beautiful nieces and nephews. I am usually so excited to take our trip, but this particular year I wasn’t. I knew that the week after our trip we would find out if we could get pregnant or not. I was just an emotional wreck thinking about things. One night on our trip, my brother and his wife discussed how they were trying to get pregnant. My heart immediately sank. I was happy for my brother and his wife for making that decision, but I just couldn’t handle them getting pregnant and not me. I’m not a spiteful, jealous person…I just really wanted a baby with my husband. I later on cried to my mother that night and I remember telling her that I wanted to be a mother more than my brother or his wife could ever imagine. Now in reality, I don’t believe that, but in that moment I did. i think it’s common and quite normal to feel that way when someone announces that they are trying or that they are pregnant, but it doesn’t change the pain felt in one’s heart.
When we first arrived in Seagrove, we immediately went to the grocery store where I bought a huge box of tampons. I knew I was supposed to get my period soon, but I never knew exactly when as I frankly just didn’t see the need in keeping up with it. I remember some odd reason I placed the box of tampons on my nightstand where they stared at me and Derek all week. On our last day in Seagrove, Derek asked if I was ever going to get my period. I was bloated, emotional, craved chocolate all week so naturally I knew it was coming. I finally dug out the calendar and realized I was 7 days late which immediately I contributed my period being late due to traveling.
Several days later, my husband asked if I ever got my period. I sighed and told him no, but that being pregnant was impossible. I remember him telling me that I would feel so much better if I would just take a pregnancy test. I had taken a pregnancy test before and cried a lot when I saw a negative result. I just knew I was too fragile to go down that road again, but somehow he talked me into heading to our Walgreens. Neither one of us could find the pregnancy tests even though we had made twenty laps around the store. I finally said to Derek, “This is sign that I am not pregnant” while begging him for us to leave. All of sudden he picked up a pregnancy test and asked if that was one I wanted to take. Even after we got home with the test I was determined not take it as I could feel it in my bones that I was not pregnant. All of sudden, something came over me, perhaps it was my gut telling me to just take the test.
Time is slow when you are waiting yet so fast when you are scared- my motto for life. How could time be two things at once? Doesn’t make sense, yet time is exactly slow and fast at the same time. I peed on the pregnancy test, sat it down and was determined not to look at it. The box read to wait a full ten minutes, but just one minute seem to fly by yet take forever to pass by. I cheated and looked down. The control line faintly began to appear and before I knew it a second line started to appear. 2 lines. 2 lines for pregnant. How could this be? I kept looking at the instructions and it read 2 lines meant pregnant. I began to cry and hyperventilate at the same time. How could I be pregnant? It just had to be a twisted joke, but the lines kept getting darker. I ran upstairs, hid in the closet, texted my best friend, and called my sister. I’m pretty sure my sister didn’t know what to think or say as I was crying so hard as I told her. I remember I kept asking her if there was a chance that the test was wrong. I just couldn’t believe that I was pregnant.
Derek was set to pick up his test the next day for his semen analysis. I wanted to be able to tell him in the most perfect way that he was going to be a father, but I had to do it that night. For a wedding gift, I gave Derek a book called, “Letters To My Love” where I wrote him special letters for him to open at random moments in our marriage. One letter in particular, i wrote as if I was telling him he was going to be a father. At the beginning of our pregnancy journey, I wondered if I was ever going to be able to give it to him. He knew that I took a pregnancy test and I would have to tell him the result so there was no better time than the present. I somehow composed myself, went downstairs and gave him the book. The look on his face was absolute confusion, but I explained to him that this was a moment that I needed him to know how much I loved him. He read the letter as giant tears rolled down his face and when he got to the end, he asked the one question that I was dying to answer.
It’s amazing how one little moment in life can change a person forever. I was no longer just Meghan, but I was Meghan that was carrying something so precious, a true gift from God, I no longer felt ordinary or incomplete. I felt like everything in my life was perfect, that one little piece of the puzzle was finally found. I was so in love. So in love.
I almost feel sad to write this post. Sad for those who are trying to get pregnant and haven’t been able to. I’m sad for those who are undergoing fertility treatments because babies are made out of love and that should just be it. I woke up one day fearful of my future and then one day everything was in place. I wish everyone was that lucky. Our journey to a baby could of ended very differently with Derek having permanent damage to his fertility and probably would of if he had stayed on testosterone supplements any longer, but luckily I went with my gut feeling and made an appointment for us asap. I remember the nurse asking if we had been trying for a year and I lied and said yes. Truthfully, I hadn’t even known Derek for a year, but I was on a mission. I just couldn’t shake this unsettling feeling that something was wrong. My advice to anyone who is trying to get pregnant and that is to get you and your partner checked out. Don’t wait. Even if you have to lie then lie (I normally would never encourage anyone to lie, but I think this is one time it is particularly fine too). I would also prep your body, treat your body like a temple because at any moment you could be carrying something so beautiful and fragile.
I was inspired to write this by a dear, sweet friend of mine, Ashley Ogle. Her fertility journey has been filled with many ups and down, but remains so faithful and true to God’s conviction. She has taken her journey from a private matter between her and her husband to sharing it with all of the women of the world. Visit her blog at www.fertilityandfaith.com. Drop her note to say hi or perhaps you might want to share your story with her. You will fall in love with her and be inspired by her faith.
The Lord will stand next to you. Perhaps He will wrap His arms around you while quietly listening to your tears of prayer, but He will not allow you to withstand the storm without a chance of sunshine.